I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
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new record!
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.