5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
S O O N
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
shit just got real
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.