Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know