My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
You Might Also Like
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”