(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
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Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Left at a local drug store…
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”