If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
seems fine
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?