I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
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I love the National Park Service.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
British websites use biscuits.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
podcasts
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE: