“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.