At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Remember folks 😂
PARKOUR
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.