With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
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Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
One of the best
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
checking out some reviews of my local library
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS