🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
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Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Me, flirting😏
i wish all
whales
a very
big
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.