My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
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Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it