boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
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A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*