First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
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It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.