me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
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Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.