Dude just wanted a popsicle…
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.