Checkmate, Flat Earthers
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My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it