cushion on the right slightly discoloured
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babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners