*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
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I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.