Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
You Might Also Like
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Taliband
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.