awesome draft from months ago i just found
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
happy friday
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Oh my God.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?