Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
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My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*