dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
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As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.