My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
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My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.