Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
You Might Also Like
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.