I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
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I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?