*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
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Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
What the hell is going on?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.