“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
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Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Never ghost your hitman.
You are what you delete.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”