‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
You Might Also Like
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*