Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
You Might Also Like
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”