As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
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I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give