when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT