*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”