“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
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Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
*eats only grass-fed donuts
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Just a friendly reminder!
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor: