[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
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When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Pretty much. 🤣
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat