If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
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Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’