One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
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“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
mood
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.