Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.