*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Welcome
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man