MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
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[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?