I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk