WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
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*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
me and who
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
HOW DARE YOU
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?