I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”