Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
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My first son he is wonderful
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Natural selection at its finest
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]