SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
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“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
scrabbled eggs
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Holy crap this is wonderful
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
This 4th of July, please remember…
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My ideal weight is five million dollars
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop