#milo
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If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
6: are snakes just neck?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
never forget
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra