[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
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women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
are there any atheist mantises?
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.