Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”