WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
how high up are we talkin’?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]