“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
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Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”